My Story

I knew my husband had a pornography problem when I married him.  I think I optimistically thought that his pornography problem was just a "problem" and that he was overcoming it and would certainly want to do everything he can to move forward.

I realize now I was so naive.

Some time into our marriage- it's all a blur now- I realized he still had a problem.  I think he may have told me he had looked at pornography again.  I had feared our entire marriage until this point that he still had a problem.  In fact, on our honeymoon I couldn't enjoy sexual intimacy fully because I was worried that he was somehow thinking of someone else.  And when he confessed to me, I had so much fear.  And so much anger.  He started into therapy and I stuffed everything.  I used denial to cope and move forward with my life.  I thought it would somehow all go away.  This went on for years.  He sometimes went to therapy, sometimes didn't.  Sometimes went to 12-step groups, sometimes didn't.  But looking back, there wasn't recovery, there wasn't real seeking help.  And there were a lot of lies.  The lies are the sharp edge of the knife that is sexual addiction.

At one point, my husband stopped telling me about his "recovery", telling me his therapist said he should so I would be less controlling.  I had been fed the message of "you are controlling" for years.  I was so afraid of being controlling I went along with his plan of no disclosure.  One night, during a fight about sex, my husband yelled at me that he had been clean for a year!  I was so angry.  If he knew even a bit about my pain, he shouldn't have hidden from me that he was doing well!  But deep inside I felt like it didn't add up.

Fast forward about another year to one year ago... things were really not well in our marriage for various reasons.  One day I gained access to some information on his computer and I found out that he truly had been looking at porn the entire time he had said he had been clean.  I opened up an email account and found a subscription to an online "dating" (sex) site and emails he had sent to a woman after putting an ad for sex on craigslist.  I cannot describe the feelings I felt at that moment.  I think it was close to a panic attack physically.  My heart was racing and my hands were numb.  I could hardly think and felt so much panic, fear, anger, hate, sadness, rage...

We separated after that for a few months.  I decided to divorce him and then he begged for another chance and started to make changes.  Soon after I naively let him back in.  Things went well for a while and I truly believe he was in recovery for a short time.  It's months later and I made him move out again because we are back at square one (actually he's probably the worst he's been in our marriage) and I'm learning to set boundaries.  I'm not sure if he really wants to overcome his addiction at this point because everything he is doing points to no.  I'm hoping journaling on here will help me in my healing and maybe help someone else.